I take refuge in a memory
Lying on that couch
My sister singing
Lullabies in French
Back scratches
Puffy eyes
Fluttering into sleep
Next, to midnight on the driveway
My rescuer parked
Watching from across the street
Headlights flash
Deep breath
Back cold against the concrete
After that, to my new apartment
Roommates sharing worried glances
Two NyQuil
Stay close
Silent sobs
Curled on the floor
Then, to the blackness of the canyon
Caroline driving
Silent understanding
Out of body
Vacuous
Slumped in her passenger seat
This fortress has more than four walls
It has layers and layers of them
Enough to stop any siege
In “Fortress,” I describe a state of self-preservation in which I put up endless walls in an attempt to protect myself. Following the intense emotional turmoil experienced with Judge and Beguiler, I am heavily guarded but also heavily reactive. This coping mechanism is also a state of escapism, but in a different way than that of the Garden. Locked in my Fortress, I am deluding myself into believing I can fully protect myself from pain and conflict by emotionally closing myself off.