The Judge

The bird of prey, as you all must feel,

The royal fowl, above you in degree,

The wise and worthy, secret, true as steel,

Whom I have formed, as you can see,

In every part as it best pleases me,

It needs not that his form I must portray,

He shall choose first, and speak in his own way.

And after him in order you shall choose

According to your kind, as you devise,

And, as your luck, shall you win or lose.

Chaucer, “The Parliament of the Fowls”

You think the first time we meet

Is by your design

I’ll admit—

It was more my orchestration

Than you know.

You lean back,

Words spilling out

And this is what I gather:

You are a person who

Thinks highly of himself,

Considers himself a good judge of everything

In every way.

After you call I act fast

And try to discern your tastes

I decide on Vampire Weekend

And The Shins

Throw in something

Esoteric too

It’s what you’d hoped

You hum,

Tapping the steering wheel

I want to look at you

But I shouldn’t,

I know it,

So I turn toward the window

And watch the light fall

On the canyon

Throughout those months

I thank my past self

A million times.

Each compliment is

A sigh of relief:

Thank God

For my January protest photos

And impulsive October haircut

Mostly our conversations consist

Of you lambasting others

While praising yourself

All I ever do is agree.

I know you think you are a good judge of me.

Later you’ll say

You’d thought I was aloof

I stared ahead through

Silent elevator rides—

I knew better than to glance.

Playing aloof is

The only way to

Get a judge like you

To notice

We walk down the path

Under winter skies

Your presence is chilly,

But your voice understanding

And gentle

You say all the right things.

I start my dreaming

As the leaves grow on the trees

I am ditzy and exuberant

I hide it behind layers of indifference

All you can see is skittishness.

I don’t yet know

You are just as much

Of an illusionist as me.

If I invite you in

Under my false pretenses,

And you accept

Under yours

Who is to blame

For our mutual unraveling?

The beginning of the end:

The first week of April.

I am on the couch

And sit up suddenly

With a gasp

My gut feels you

Make your decision

The millisecond you conclude

So imagine my surprise

The next Saturday night.

It must have been so late.

I still recall how dark it was

In your parents’ living room.

You whispered “I love you”

Your words stood in the air

For a fraction of

A fraction of a second

You regretted them

The instant they left your mouth

You drop me off early

You say you have to go and

Talk to your sister.

I know exactly what this means.

I tell my roommates

Your earlier admission

They cheer,

I pretend it’s good news,

And then I go numb and lay in wait

Everything aside, you knew

I came to you with a broken heart.

You knew I was damaged and

Pathetic.

In the darkness of your parents’

Living room

You told me you loved me

And three weeks later

In the darkness

Of the parking lot

You acted as the

Judge,

The reaper,

You chose my fate for me

And you spat your words

Into my mouth

I know you think you are a good judge of me.

I know you think I am no good.

A negative person

With baggage and

Bad attitude.

I know you think

Your belittling lecture

Is kind

Who wouldn’t want

To be graced

By your superior advice?

We are both immovable mountains

You are an artisan of excellent arguments,

An ingenious arbitrator

Whose calculations are always correct

I am a string-puller,

Nothing is fortuitous for me

My whole life I have willed myself

What I wanted

You are only here

Because I decided you would be

Through different approaches

We are very much the same:

Stiff-necked and stubborn,

Impossibly iron-willed,

Uncompromising,

Adamant.

I can tell from your tone.

You thought I wouldn’t

Put up a fight.

You didn’t know I had it in me

Remember: all I ever did was agree.

This is the first you’ve seen

Anything to the contrary.

I watch judgement seep in

Like black syrup to your eyes

I am not what you thought,

I am defiant

People like me like to think

We have a say

But lucky for you, judges don’t ever

Ever

Lose.

Your dark eyes startle me,

I lose my grip,

I watch your mind’s cement harden:

You are a good judge of everything,

You are a good judge of me.

I stand very still as you walk away

Hands in your pockets

The deed is done

The weight of it off your shoulders

And I am left

Shivering,

Alone,

But dry eyed

Your sister unfollows my Instagram

An unnecessary sting

And you write me

Just to make sure I know

You are never coming back

300 days pass

I wallow in weird self pity

My ego is broken, blue, and bruised

When you met me I was broken-hearted

But now I am wretched

I pathetically wonder what you are up to

And then,

Like a specter,

You reappear.

You could have spared me

The backhanded compliment

Alongside your

Infuriatingly perfect apology

But I accept it

And you wedge yourself

Into my unhealed wound

I wonder privately

What would have happened

If I had reappeared to you

Instead of you to me

It wouldn’t have gone well

Being on my terms.

This is what judges do.

People like me never get to choose.

When I finally break loose

It is an accident.

A late night,

Too much fun,

I sleep through brunch

I never follow up

For once I am the hangman

And I don’t like the way it feels

All I can think is:

You didn’t mind doing this to me

I was the perfect project for a judge.

I bring out the worst in people

Wasn’t that a rush?

When you decided I was too much

You basked in your superiority

And when you felt I’d languished long enough

You let me back in

Like a pitiful groupie

For me you were a puzzle

I rest in my satisfaction—

Although unsolved,

I got further than

Your other admirers

But then I must admit the truth.

I will never know peace again

I forget and then I remember

I can’t bring myself to regret

I wish I was never born at all

I don’t care how you judge me

I wish you didn’t exist

I wish I hadn’t moved

Hadn’t seen you from across the room

Hadn’t choreographed our contrived game of chess

Hadn’t let myself be the one to lose

Everything about you is impossible

You placate with politeness

It’s cruelty in disguise

You are an actor

I never received my lines

But nonetheless

You love this show

Don’t pretend now, I know how it is:

I am a sinking ship,

You stand solemnly on the shore,

And turning to hide your snicker

You rest against the rocks,

Watching