2/10/26

It was somebody's birthday, can't recall whose

I could hardly function, had to leave the party

Went silent as you apologized

This sequence has become our script

As always, our host is so congenial

And everybody staring, sharing sideways glances

So normal now, I no longer flinch

In your car you said you thought I was depressed

Hearing that, I sobbed and sobbed

Glared past your shoulder, the full moon a gleaming puddle

Of course I was depressed

Who wouldn't be, in my existence

Perched upon your impossible pedestal

I still have that notebook, the one we passed back and forth

Every page is the same

I am your savior, I am a monster

I am too right or entirely wrong

You made me an idol, assembled your version of me in your mind

Put her in the sky, gazed at her

Then turned on her

Threw rocks, screamed

Locked yourself in a room, threatened to detonate a bomb

Threw the bomb at her instead

Ran to her, wept in her arms

Asked for comfort, said you'd forgive her

And meanwhile the real me, silent on the ground

Shrunk and shrunk until nothing was left

All those years I'd planted seeds

You weren't there to see that

Now, your drought, singular to my plot of land

Trees and flowers sprung up for everyone else

I drew swirls in the dirt, hoped for an escape

Prayed to God for a meteor, a freak accident, a rapture

The hope of freedom almost extinguished, only a tiny flicker in my chest

First chance, I ran like the wind

Started new with nothing to my name

Sat numb in my dorm room every night

Ate alone, too anxious to open up

Mistrustful, acting on a hair trigger

Perpetually fifteen, encased in ice exactly where you found me

Years of sitting at my tombstone, wondering what you'd think

Would you see the weight of my endless grief

Or picture yourself a crime-less prisoner, locked unfairly in my tower

I still wake up, heart racing

In my dreams you deceive me

I end up trapped, enclosed with you in that practice room

I no longer see you as a villain

Rather, as tragedy's collateral damage

And myself a callous bitter coward who couldn't find it in her to tell the truth

I'd like to tell you I'm sorry, I forgive you

And a decade's passed, and I'm still trying to grow back again

2/10/15

2/10/26