Whole Foods

I saw your ghost at Whole Foods today

or maybe it was really you

I hadn’t felt that way in a while,

probably since Utah,

the feeling that I needed to hide

just in case you were there

I scanned the parking lot after,

eyeing the spots for cars that looked like yours

It’s the same I used to do at home,

looking for a silver Honda or a brown Volvo

Elation at the sight of one, panic for the other

It’s the same way I used to look in the rear view mirror on summer mornings

just in case Bloodsucker was behind me

He usually wasn’t

It’s the same way I used to look under the tree at the humanities building

because I had seen Judge there exactly once

Which is the same way my cat checked the bathtub for a year

because she remembered the time there was a moth in it after I showered

All of this to say

that I think it’s time to move on,

move away,

but I can’t this time

because it’s not that simple,

and I know you are leaving soon

but your sister will still be here

and I will search every parking lot

for her car

probably forever

Salt Before Water

Sometimes I eat something salty

And the sodium is too much

And for hours afterward I sit

With my mouth all dry and

Drinking water that

Vanishes instantly

And I wish I had just drank more

Earlier in the day

So I didn’t have to spend

My evening

With my tongue swollen

And begging for water.

Anyway,

That’s how I feel when I think

About you,

That I just should have

Taken my first step before my second

And not said all those things

And shut my big mouth

And thought before I jumped

And I would still have you

And I would be able to miss you

When you leave.

But if I’m being honest,

I should have noticed

From the first time I saw you

That I was doing my thing again,

The one where I get obsessed

And dig myself into holes of embarrassment

That don’t end until I ruin it all

Though if I’m being really honest

I did notice,

But I didn’t want to stop.

So if I could go back in time

And start all over

I’d be better,

Be normal

It would have been

Like the water

Before the salt

And I wouldn’t be sitting here

All parched

And regretful

Thinking about you

Still.

“Ha! Ha!” the Crow cawed as she flew off. “You were clever enough to catch me, Fox, but you weren’t clever enough to eat me when you had me!”

Fillmore, “The Fox and the Crow”